


in our darkest hours

by wrtsnsntflff



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Heavy Angst, Jeonghan and Seungcheol are both struggling with depression, M/M, Post Break Up, Rated mature for depiction of mental illness, also their depression has nothing to do with their relationship, and they keep dragging each other deeper into it because of it, but it's hard to see light when you're surrounded by darkness, of course they only want to love each other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-10
Updated: 2020-01-10
Packaged: 2021-02-27 03:40:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22200451
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wrtsnsntflff/pseuds/wrtsnsntflff
Summary: Their love, albeit beautiful in the beginning, had withered like flowers during autumn, had turned into poisonous fruits they so willingly swallowed.
Relationships: Choi Seungcheol | S.Coups/Yoon Jeonghan
Kudos: 4





	in our darkest hours

The loud ringing of his phone startled Seungcheol awake, the distinct sound disturbing the silence of his room. A voice he knew too well drifted to his ears, singing a song about forever, about little houses in the country and days filled with tenderness, about eternal love and growing old together. The sound wandered with him through the limbo between sleep and reality, the melodious whirls wrapping around Seungcheol and transporting him to times of pure bliss.

Slowly and with the softness of a calm and welcoming sea, the voice guided him through the cotton clouds and pink skies, pulling him away of the velvet wings of Morpheus and bringing the calmness of his room to him. Heaviness kept Seungcheol's body limp against the mattress, his mind dazed and light-headed with the aftermaths of deep and tranquil slumber. Eyes closed, the first thing he noticed was pattering of rain and the cool air dancing around, having had fallen asleep without closing the window. Next he noticed the restless sound of his phone, ringing non-stop. Seungcheol reached for it with his hand, dragging it heavily through the bed just enough to reach the continuously-ringing phone. 

Almost in autopilot, he answered the phone. His clouded eyes didn’t need to graze upon the shiny screen for him to know who the caller was. Even after saying goodbye, Jeonghan kept coming back, unable to part ways with him, struggling with the drowning loneliness as much as Seungcheol waa, missing him as much as Seungcheol missed _him_.

“Hi…” His voice filled the older's ears almost immediately after taking it to his ear. Despite the cold, poisonous grip around his heart, a familiar warmth fluttered in it, threatening to wash away all the bitterness and pain. 

Seungcheol's eyes opened with difficulty, as if keeping them closed would help the lonely room vanish into colorful lands of make-believe. A sigh escaped his already-trembling lips, tears welling in his eyes and threatening to build rivers in his cheeks.

“Seungcheol? Are you there? Can you hear me?” Jeonghan's words stumbled upon each other, tangling and untangling into a slurring mess, and an idle pace persisted in his voice, both evidence of the intoxicated state he was in.

The earthy scent of rain clung to Seungcheol as he scrambled to a sitting position. His back hit the cold wall behind him, followed by his head, tilted enough for him to see the tears of the clouds showering the unforgiving city with its peaceful caress.

“Please… answer me, my love.” Voice breaking, the other begged.

“Don’t. Please.” Seungcheol barely choked out, hurt and sorrow laced with your weak voice. By then, the tears were spilling from Seungcheol's eyes like the rain pattering outside, freely and unruly. The deadly grip around his heart strengthened. “We can't keep doing this to us, Jeonghan… We're only hurting each other.” It was hard to breathe through the painful sorrow consuming his soul, hard to keep the feeling off his voice. It was so hard not to give in to the begging of his own heart, to the part of him that wanted to cling to Jeonghan for dear life.

Suddenly, the walls around Seungcheol felt suffocating. The voice in the phone, begging him to listen to him, to stay with him, felt asphyxiating. The scarce air he could breathe felt like fire in his lungs. The blurred sight of the rain outside his window wasn’t enough to anchor him to reality, the abyss in Seungcheol's heart swallowing him whole.

Seungcheol was drowning, his feet never reachingt ground, sinking deeper and deeper into the darkness.

“Baby… Please… I need you, baby. I need you so much it hurts.” Jeonghan's voice was like deadweight clinging to his legs, only pulling him further down, making it impossible for Seungcheol to find his way back to the surface. “I love you, Seungcheol. I love you, I need you. Please, come back to me, my love.”

_ I need you too _ , he wanted to say,  _ I need you so much it feels like I will never be able to breathe without you by my side _ . 

Loud sobs Seungcheol wasn’t aware he was letting out resonated in the room, eclipsing the soothing lullaby of raindrops hitting the earth and everything that rose from it. Jeonghan’s cries echoed his own, creating a pitiful and devastating symphony that followed them through the gloomy and withering forest in their minds, one of trees made of regret, paths of melancholy that helped them navigate the woodland of sorrow.

Seungcheol could almost picture Jeonghan perfectly, alone in the dim light of his living room, empty bottles scattered through the room, an ashtray full of cigarette butts and remains of joints he had hastily rolled, tear-stricken face and trembling fingers barely holding his phone against his ear. It broke his heart, to know Jeonghan was suffering on his own, that he no longer was there to comfort him during his lowest times, that they wouldn't have each other to hold at night. But he had to let Jeonghan go. Seungcheol couldn’t keep fixing his shattered soul whenever he fell to the depths of hell, not when he was so reluctant to break free from the chains that kept him tied to torment, not when trying to rescue him turned off the flickering candle of life and warmth that Seungcheol had always struggled to maintain alive.

And Jeonghan couldn't keep trying to erase the black in Seungcheol's heart. He couldn't keep trying to protect and shield Seungcheol from his own attempts to tear himself apart, couldn't keep letting Seungcheol's darkness fuel his own.

“I can’t… I’m sorry, Jeonghan… I’m so,  _ so _ sorry, but I can’t keep doing this.” Seungcheol's voice was merely a whisper in the middle of a storm, barely audible and colored blue. The bitter, disgusting taste of selfishness and guilt clogged his throat, making his voice falter and break. “We… we need to look for our happiness in other places.” It seemed like such an absurd idea, sometimes, to break all the strings that tied them together, but they both knew, deep down, it was for the best. They could never be happy with each other. Their love, albeit beautiful in the beginning, had withered like flowers during autumn, had turned into poisonous fruits they so willingly swallowed. “This is the end, Jeonghan… this time, it really is.”

It felt like someone, or rather himself, was dipping a burning knife right into Seungcheol's heart, twisting it around to ensure the pain coursing through him was nearly unbearable. Jeonghan’s desperate words pouring out of the phone did nothing to calm the feeling of pure despair, but Seungcheol still forced himself to end the call. Almost mechanically, he blocked Jeonghan's number from his phone, blocked him from every social media he could think of, and sunk back into his bed, allowing himself to feel the scarring pain that tore his heart and soul, leaving him feeling dead and empty.

Without fighting the noxious hug of dejection, Seungcheol let it destroy the pieces of him that were still standing, and hoped, begged, that one day both of them could break free from the restraints that held them captive to their hollow heart. 

And maybe then, they could find their way back home.


End file.
